Saturday, November 28, 2015

Hi

Its been a long time right?

Honestly, Im not doing good. I dont hv anyone to talk to, so I think I just let it out here.

So I am now officially a University Kebangsaan Malaysia's student in BIOMEDICAL SCIENCE. WOHOOOOOO.

Well, not so wohoo. I dont know. I cant even describe my feeling by staying here. I dont know, it just felt so wrong. If only I could go back to past to change everything, I would choose the offer from University Malaya in Architecture. I know, I should be grateful dapat masuk sini, lepas interview and everything. But it doesnt felt right. See, typing ni je dah nak nangis. I fucked up everything here. Not scoring all the subject dalam quiz and everything and yet final is around 3 weeks.

Orang cakap, sebab tak ikhlas lah ilmu susah masuk. I tried to be sincere in everything. But somehow, its getting worst. I didnt enjoy what I do, tak macam masa matrik even stress menggunung mana I still hv fun. But not here. Ok now I am crying for real. Bukan tak suka course ni, I love to learn new things, but at the same time, I want to do what I really love to learn. Dreaming of becoming biomedical scientist never exist in my life list. And now, I just studying for my parent. Not for myself. And I feel weird. And I hate it.

I want to change my course, but bila fikir parent balik, I really dont know what to do. ANd Im having problem with my ptptn which mean I will only get my loan next year. How am I gonna pay for this semester fee? To ask money from my parent is something I would never do. I didnt hv enough money to eat. I mean yes my baby sent some money to me, tapi dah habis. And habis bukan untuk makanan, tapi untuk settlekan benda lain. I barely eating rice right now. Semalam baru dapat makan nasi lemak after a week without rice.

You know, if someone said to me they are broke, I just smile. You are not really broke if you havent eat maggi straight in a month. You are not really broke if your maggi goreng fell on the floor and you still kutip and eat it. You are not really broke if all the energy you get is from a packet of milo. You are not really broke if you havent split your maggi into half just to cook it for the next day (same goes to milo packet). You are not really broke if you havent run away from your friends just because you dont want them to invite you for lunch. And you are not really broke if you havent eat anything that already expired because sayang nak buang and despite of their taste and smell, you just eat it quietly.

Im too fucked up right? And I hv done a very bad thing here just to release my stress.
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I shouldnt hv live.