Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Go Fuck Yourself 2014

Yeah.
Today is the last day of 2014. Wohooo. Secretely, I've been waiting for 2015 so bad, that i even start to act like a weirdo because I'm so excited baby. So let's summarized these 2014-bullshit-but-sometime-sweet things that messed up my life literally.

#1 SPM RESULT

The most depressing thing that ever happened to me in my whole life. I cried for a whole week feeling like a stupid girl that come from outside of the Earth because of the 3B's. Not because I'm not trying to be grateful but somehow I do realised certain people already treat me differently after the result. Yup, because of the 'B+' things. BABI.

#2 FIRST BREAKUP

So yeah. The above statement is fucking truth. Honestly, I think it is the best decision for the sake of us. But somehow, I make a decision to keep the old us together. Pity me.

#3 KMS. BEST THING EVER!

2014, I managed to get in the college that I really wanted to be in. And I'm bloody love this places I mean hell yeah this the place where I can acting out of character and be irrational in the post-traumatic stress of my dark past and no one recognized me here ( except for jemah and alia because they're my schoolmate). Having the abnormal roommate (minus puvaweswari) and baes and overdose-hyperactive classmate made life here not as boring as form 4 history book does.

#4 TEARS THAT NEVER ENDS

Till now I'm still crying because of everything. Please go away 2014. I will be across the ocean in September 2015 and no one gonna ever see me again. I set my heart there so if you or anyone else need me, I'm no longer here. I'm promise.

#5 NEAR MISS RESULT

TAHU TAK PERASAAN BILA BEZA 0.03 JE LAGI UNTUK DAPAT ANUGERAH ATAS PENTAS. 0.03 LAGI AND I WAS LIKE HUHH. DAMN. TAHU TAK PERASAAN BILA BEZA 2 MARKAH JE LAGI UNTUK NAIK BAND DALAM MUET. TAHU TAK PERASAAN BILA DAPAT 3B+ UNTUK LAGI DAPAT 9A SPM. BANGANG. BUKAN TAK CUBA BERSYUKUR. TAPI SAKIT HATI. SANGAT.

So basicly, that was 2014. If I have time, I might add up something again. Way to go fellas.

Monday, December 29, 2014





PLEASE DON'T BE IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE
PLEASE DON'T HAVE SOMEONE WHO'S WAITING ON YOU.

Saturday, November 15, 2014

Shit

I don't know.

It just.. too much to think of.

Yknow, I'm a type of girl who think that, in a relationship, my biggest flaw is that I'm extremely needy and sensitive I constantly need to feel the love or I assume it's gone. Idk. It's hard to think right?

I feel bad for having a feeling like this, but.. it's hard for me not think of it. I always blame myself, did I was too harsh? Did I was wrong? Did I really need to give him a freedom all by himself so he can do anything he want without me mad at him? Or did I'm the one who screwed everything? Huhh. I don't know.

I constantly hv a feeling that he already lose interest in this relationship while I'm still head over heels. I mean, it just my own feeling. Idk.

I just, I don't know..

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Kau lelaki, apa kau kisah?

Nasihat ni aku ambik dari tumblr secret posts malaysia. Berguna untuk semua lapisan kaum wanita, termasuk aku juga. Mari sama-sama membaca. Sama-sama menilai.

"Aku rasa semua lelaki patut baca ni. Especially yang pernah rosakkan anak dara orang.

Mungkin kau tak rasa apa-apa lepas kau dump perempuan yang kau pernah tidur sekali. Tapi pernah kau fikir apa akan jadi dekat perempuan tu nanti? Kalau jawapan kau “lantak dia la, siapa suruh dia yang nak bagi dekat aku.” HAHA. Mari, aku bagi dekat kau full explanation kenapa kau patut minta maaf dekat perempuan yang kau pernah rosakkan dan bertanggungjawab terhadap perempuan tu.

Pernah kau terfikir sebelum kau rosakkan dia, dia tak pernah pun tahu apa itu seks? Pernah kau terfikir dia beri semua benda dekat kau sebab dia naif dan tak tahu yang itu bukan satu-satunya cara untuk tunjuk kasih sayang dia? Pernah kau terfikir kalau kau yang tak mulakan dulu, dia takkan beri dara dia dekat kau? Kalau kau cakap dia sepatutnya gunakan otak dia, kau bodoh. Kalau kau cakap “perempuan baik takkan buat macam tu, tu maknanya dia tak baik.” kau manusia paling bangang. 

Kalau kau guna ayat manis, ayat cinta, kau cakap kau tak boleh hidup tanpa dia, kau rasa masa tu otak dia boleh berfungsi dengan baik ke? Cinta tu buta.Syaitan tu merata-rata untuk hasut. Ayat manis + nafsu + hasutan syaitan = bad judgement. Percayalah, sedangkan wanita alim pun boleh tumpas, inikan pula gadis biasa yang dibesarkan oleh keluarga biasa.

Kau tiduri dia.Kau rampas dara dia. Kau cakap “perempuan tanpa dara takkan laku.” habis tu, kau masih ada teruna? walaupun kesan fizikal tiada, walaupun bakal isteri kau tak boleh bezakan kau teruna ke tak, tapi diri kau tahu. Kau tahu kau pernah rosakkan seorang perempuan dalam hidup kau. Pernah kau fikir bagaimana perempuan tu hidup lepas kau dump dia? macam mana perempuan tu akan berhadapan dengan bakal suami dia. macam mana perempuan tu akan bagitahu suami dia yang dia dah tak ada dara? 

Bayangkan kalau semua benda tu jadi dekat mak,kakak atau adik kau. atau bakal isteri kau sendiri. Apa yang kau rasa? Apa yang kau rasa bila seorang lelaki rosakkan adik kau, lepastu buang dia macam sampah. Apa kau rasa bila kau tidur dengan wife kau lepastu kau dapat tahu lelaki lain pernah buat benda yang sama dengan wife kau?

Kalau niat kau masa kau tiduri perempuan tu cuma untuk suka-suka and sebelum kau tiduri dia kau janji kau akan jaga dia sampai bila-bila. Kau penipu. Kau lagi hina dari binatang. Taraf kau lagi hina dari seorang perogol. Memanipulasi seorang perempuan semata-mata untuk memuaskan nafsu kau sendiri. Lagi hina bila kau dump dia, dan lepastu kau cari perempuan lain untuk di jadi kan teman wanita baru kau yang mungkin kau akan rosakkan juga.

Ya, aku bercakap berdasarkan hidup aku sendiri.
Aku benci lelaki macam kau. Tapi aku tak pernah menyesal kenal lelaki seperti kau kerana tanpa kau, mungkin aku takkan nampak warna sebenar seorang lelaki. Dan mungkin aku takkan dapat tulis post ini untuk perempuan yang masih naif diluar sana.

Untuk perempuan yang masih naif. Ini untuk kau.
Awal perkenalan memang seronok bila dapat teks dan call yang lovey dovey.
Kau akan rasa hidup kau bahagia sangat sebab disayangi
Kemudian dia pegang tangan kau.
Kau rasa berdebar, malu-malu sebab itu kali pertama kau berpegangan tangan.
Dari tangan, dia mula hantar ciuman melalui teks dan call.
Kau rasa dia sangat sweet dan penyayang.
Melalui ciuman di dalam phone, bila dating dia akan mula pegang pinggang kau, kemudian peluk kau.
Kau rasa disayangi,kau rasa macam dunia ni kau yang punya.
Dari pelukan, mula ciuman di pipi, kemudian teks romantis.
Kau rasa macam kau terapung di awangan. Pipi kau merah, muka kau panas.
Dari teks romantis dia mula bercakap mengenai susuk tubuh kau. Katanya menawan dan cantik.
Kau rasa bahagia sebab sebelum ni tak pernah orang puji kau macam tu.
Dari pelukan biasa dan ciuman pipi, dia mula ajak kau bercium mulut.
Kau relakan sebab dalam tv, ciuman mulut tandanya sayang.
Dari ciuman mulut,dia mula hantar teks bagaimana dia pernah mimpi tentang kau dan dia tidur sekali.
Kau teragak-agak untuk melayan, tapi akhirnya kau layan sebab kau takut dia akan terasa hati.
Dari perbualan romantis biasa menjadi perbualan berbaur lucah. 
Kau rasa seronok sebab kau rasa sangat dewasa.
Dulu dating berpelukan, ciuman mulut akhirnya bertukar kepada ringan-ringan.
Kau biarkan dia raba tubuh badan kau. Kau rasa macam hidup ni cuma untuk dia.
dulu cuma berani masukkan tangan dalam baju, kau biarkan tangan dia merayap ke dalam seluar kau.
Kau fikir “apa salahnya, cuma benda biasa.”
Lama kelamaan, kau, dia berada di atas katil. Kau serahkan harga diri dia dekat kau hanya kerana dia janji mahu bertanggungjawab dan sehidup semati dengan kau.
Perkara yang sama berulang sehingga kau dengan dia bergaduh dan kemudian putus.

Ya, seks memang awalnya seronok. Tapi, dengarlah wahai perempuan, jangan tersilap langkah seperti aku,kelak kau akan menyesal. Seronok yang sementara tak berbaloi dengan penyeselan yang kau alami. Walaupun aku tak pernah kantoi, atau pun mengandung, tapi aku sangat menyesal.

Aku harap ada orang pernah nasihatkan aku sebelum benda tu terjadi. Tak berbaloi kau berikan harga diri kau kepada lelaki yang tak layak. Tiada alasan untuk kau berikan dara kau kepada lelaki tanpa ikatan yang sah. Kemungkinan lelaki tu akan tinggalkan kau lagi tinggi dari kemungkinan yang dia akan bertanggungjawab. Jangan jadi bodoh. Kalau kau nak sangat, kau kahwin awal. 

Sekurang-kurangnya kalau kau diceraikan, harga diri kau masih ada. Ramai lelaki durjana di luar sana yang menyamar macam lelaki baik, caring dan loving. Jangan terpedaya.

Jaga diri sendiri, jangan terlalu hanyut bercinta sampai kau serah semuanya. Simpan untuk yang layak. Kau akan lebih bahagia nanti."

Ya, aku faham jika anak anak muda sekarang kata, mereka memang nak berubah. Tapi terlalu payah. Terlalu susah. Jangan risau, aku faham. Aku faham bila kita memang dah berniat nak berhenti buat benda teruk tu, tapi tarikan untuk kembali buat tu makin lama makin kuat. Aku faham. Memang tak dinafikan aku pun ada niat juga, sama macam kalian. Tapi seberapa kuat aku tolak, semakin kuat aku berpatah balik. Tapi ada orang kata, kalau niat tu dah ada, itu satu benda yang bagus. Harus pegang terus dengan niat tu.

Berubahlah, demi diri kau.

Monday, November 10, 2014

Fuck that truth

In one night, I learned all these things. In one single fucking damn night, I learned it all.

1. Tell people how you feel. It will be terrifying in some cases and gratifying in others. It will create relationships and ruin them. But speak your mind, even if your voice shakes, your hands shivers, because your thoughts may never otherwise be heard.

2. Never pretend to be someone you're not. If you don't like partying, don't act like you do to impress people. If you don't want to wear skinny jeans or acid denim jeans, don't wear them to please someone else.

3. It is always okay to cry. Always. Find a bathroom. Bury your face in your pillow, and let it out. Cry in the shower. Cry in the car. Cry when you need to.

4. People will be mean to you especially behind your back. Eventually, you will realize that it is petty and stupid and not worth your time. You'll be right. Move on with your life.

5. Sleep. If you go to bed late, sleep in. If you're tired when you wake up, go back to bed. If you can't stay awake during the day, take a nap. Sleeping is a foolproof way of getting rid of your problems for a little while. Utilize it.

6. Nobody is real in this world except family.

7. Let go of what kills you and hold onto what keeps you breathing.

8. Every single person on the planet has a story. Don't judge people before you truly know them. The truth might suprise you.

9.Respect people who find time for you in their busy schedule. But love people who never look at their schedule when you need them.

10. DESTROY WHAT DESTROYS YOU.

Sayonara Semester 1 KMS

Maka alkisahnya tamat lah pengajian hamba di sem 1 di kolej matrikulasi selangor. Syahadan sekarang ini hamba boleh dikatakan telah bebas merdeka (even 2 minggu je pun). Sesungguhnya sepanjang 6 bulan di sem 1 banyak membuatkan nafas hamba tersekat-sekat kadangkala hampir membuatkan kami disini menggelupur kerana kekurangan oxygen.

Hamba tidak menafikan bahawa hidup di alam matrikulasi serba meletihkan, penuh dengan cabaran, dugaan, halangan, ujian, keperitan, kelaparan, dan kemengantukan (waktu kuliah). Namun hamba bersyukur yang teramat kerana memilih tempat ini sebagai tempat untuk hamba bertapa selama setahun menimba ilmu Tuhan yang tidak pernah habis mengalir. Bukan kerana disini terlampau ramai jejaka hot meletop yang hamba mungkin boleh meminta jasa baik ayahanda dan bonda pergi meminang teruna tersebut, tidak, walaupun ada sikit ya, tetapi kerana kepuasan belajar yang hamba sendiri tidak pernah dapat sewaktu menimba ilmu di tempat sebelum-sebelum ini.

Ya, puas. Sangat puas.

Disini hamba belajar menyayangi differentiation yang pada waktu dahulunya hamba sangat memusuhi ketika di tingkatan 5. Bagaikan ingin mengoyakkan sahaja buku latihan matematik kerana terlalu membenci bab itu. Namun, disini, pendeta pendeta matematik tersebut telah berjaya menanamkan sikap sayang terhadap bab itu sehingga adrenaline hamba mengalir dengan sangat laju ketika membuat latihan.

Disini juga hamba bertemu dengan segala jenis manusia di pelbagai pelosok Tanah Melayu. Namun kebanyakkannya berasal dari pantai timur sehingga menyebabkan hamba kadangkala secara tidak sengaja terbuat muka vavi kerana terlalu keliru dengan apa yang mereka cuba sampaikan. Tuan hamba cuba renungkan jikalau ada rakan tuan hamba berkata, "Woi tino, mu toksoh gege sokmo." atau "Mu toksoh derah sangat weh" atau lebih ekstrem "Skeleng belana koknadaley celeng". Hamba pun berkata, "Voh kya hai? (apa benda tu)" atau hamba acah acah pandai jawab, "Nate gapo tu?" Sesungguhnya hamba bersyukur dilahirkan ditanah johor kerana bahasanya boleh difahami satu Tanah Melayu ini. Tidak lah hamba selalu membuat muka vavi.

Adapun diceritakan bahawa pendeta yang mengajar disini semuanya baik belaka. Hamba turut merasakan ukhwah yang mereka cuba jalinkan antara pendeta dan si perantau. Hamba akan datang ke teratak pendeta-pendeta tersebut atau dikenali sebagai cubicle (bilik guru) sekiranya hamba mempunya masalah. Mereka sedia membantu. Kadangkala ada pendeta yang menyediakan makanan kepada anak muridnya yang datang untuk bertanya soalan. Mulia sungguh hati beliau. Maka hamba dengan rakus mengambil seberapa banyak makanan yang boleh tanpa mempedulikan mata mata orang yang memandang. Suka aku lah sape suruh ko tak amek banyak banyak.

Ujian pertengahan semester yang lepas menyaksikan bahawa usaha yang hamba hempas pulakan disini masih tidak mencukupi untuk mendapat keputusan yang kebabooom!. Hamba hanya mampu mendapat:

Sains computer : A
Math : B
Biology : B+
Kimia : C+
Bi : A (tidak dikira didalam pointer)

Pointer: 3.13 (masih gagal bak kata kaunselor disana)

Namun hamba bertekad untuk lebih struggle pada peperiksaan semester 2 nanti. Kenapa bukan PSPM ini? Hal ini kerana peperiksaan pada waktu itu, hamba boleh katakan soalannya ingin membuatkan hamba menjerutkan leher di tali gantung. Usahlah bertanya tentang itu lagi.

Untuk tuan hamba yang diluar sana, jika masih meragui untuk memasuki matrikulasi. Buatlah istikharah. Sesungguhnya perancangan Allah lebih bijak dan tersusun. Hamba ingin berpaarrtaaayy dahulu ok. Selamat menjawab SPM!

Ini namanya group Bae's. Tapi baru baru ni dah ditukar jadi Divergent. Entah pale otak sape ntah yang pepandai tukar hamba tak tahulah ek. Dari kiri Fiza kepoh, Yan Somban, Nad neddysushi, Yayah ehemmm, Meen mok, dengan Qis bendul. Entahlah, dengan diorang tak pernahnya hamba rasa diri hamba ini normal.


SM3K2P2. Sem 1 dah habis dah. Tak sabar nak jumpa nanti masa Sem 2. Muahhhhhh.

Thursday, July 31, 2014

Scared. Insecure. Unsafe.

I scared you hanging out with them. Not because I want to control you. I'm scared you might did something that will make my heart broken.I feel insecure you gonna join them do something which I hate the most. But who cares right, my dear? Yeahh everyone is growing up. Yeahh. No one can control a teenage boy in process of being a REAL man. But my dear, I don't want you growing up with tiny little disease which will make you suffer one day. Tiny sickness that will growing up becoming into serious illness. I won't let that happen. I know you won't do that. I trust you. But I'm just scared.

But what am I supposed to do. They're your friends and Im just a little girl in a little little world kan? Bros before hoes. That what they used to say. I hate one of them tbh. The one that broke my heart before. The one that now becoming one of your bestfriend and I swear I hate him till now. I hate knowing you're hanging around with them because I will suddenly crying without any reason. Again, I'm just scared. I scared he will influenced you doing bad thing. I scared he telling a bad thing about me. I scared and I swear I just fcuking hate him.

Critisized this post as you wish. I just want to burst my feeling because I'm enough talking to the wall.

C is for Confusing

Assalamualaikum and hai.

Yup. Here I am. Sitting. Typing. Boring. Or apa budak sekarang panggil.. PISHHAANG. Kahkahkah.

But of course lah sebab i need somewhere I can't express my mixed up feeling. Why I choose blog?
1. No ONE read my blog. Even it is not private. Kah
2. I don't have a friend.

I don't know. I always have this kind of feeling which make me think that I was annoying, Im such a boring person, lame, not so cool yet not so hot. And then, I ended up treating him worstly because I thought he didn't have any feeling for me based on my negative thinking. But then, I will terribly miss him, need him, want-to-text-him-all-day feeling but my ego has been built up so high so I ended up by doing nothing. I wait for him to text me first and felt really happy when I've got it but then I ruined it again because I don't know how to keep the conversation going. I don't know. I can't even understand myself. I love him very much but I.. I don't know. I hate my own negative thinking.

Perhaps because I have split personalities. Perhaps.

Saturday, June 28, 2014

Idk.

I feel bad being happy when someone that I love is being sad at the other place. I feel bad he was crying when he told me about his family and at the same time I was too damn happy with my friends. I feel bad how hurt he is, his heart sank seeing his beloved mother and sister lying weakly on the hospital bed. I feel bad not doing anything even visiting them at the hospital because I don't have much time left to stay here in Johor Bahru. I feel bad to myself. And if you read this, I'm so sorry my dear. I love you. Take care of yourself and your family. I'm sorry.

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Matrikulasi 2014

Assalamualaikum

So yeahh sebenarnya nak post pasal matrik ni dari semalam lagi tapi asyik lupa je. Maklumlah otak makin karat sejak tak sekolah dah nak dekat 5 bulan ni kan. Sudah lah makin tepu, makin banyak disaluti lemak lemak degil sebab makan main sumbat takde tapis-tapis lagi. Dah beso lah katakan jahh oi.

Maka aku pun suruh lah cik abang azam tu check kan matrik sebab i mana ada kredit you. Pokai je memanjang nak mengharapkan berapa keping je duit biru dalam purse tu memang tak lah kan. Web pun tak leh bukak lagi. So dia yang kene jadi slave aku check kan. Hahahaha. K tak lawak.

Bila dah kat web boleh bukak, buntang mataku bagaikan ikan buntal atau sari yanti mata lolok. Like, seriously?

SELANGOR WEHHH. Jauh lah gila pak diaa. Selangor weh selangor. Kenapa tak Johor ke Melaka? Kenapa kenapa? Banting pulak tu. Sob Sob. Gedik tak aku. Tapi even jauh pun, aku dah set dalam minda kalau boleh aku nak masuk matrik.

Sebenarnya macam ni, katakan lah kalau aku result upu aku dapat buat Asasi, aku tolak matrik. Tapi kalau aku tak dapat Asasi macam yang aku nak, aku AKAN amek matrik. Nak tebus kekalahan masa lalu katakan. Malu dho kalah. Tapi matrik kene struggle habis habisan. Ramai tak percaya aku boleh buat ke tak kat sana nanti. Haihh susah bila hilang kepercayaan bila dah kalah suatu benda ni. Nak tak nak kita kena lah cari jalan nak raih kepercayaan tu balik kan? Okay dah melalut pulak.

So apapun, kita tetap kene tunggu result upu dulu. Apapa yang jadi, ada hikmahkan? Just trust yourself.

Friday, April 25, 2014

50 Random Question

1. Are you satisfied with the way your life is right now?
-honestly, no.

2. Do you drink enough water?
-Yes, i guess so.

3. When was the last time you ate at Burger King? 
-I never had a chance to eat Burger King.

4. Do you prefer the beach or the mountains?
-Both

5. How do you usually feel when you wake up on a morning?
-"I want to go back to sleep"

6. Would you rather take someone on a date, or be taken on a date?
-Hehe I guess both?

7. When was the last time you wore high heeled shoes?
-On March when I'm hanging out with my girlfreinds and my feet hurts like hell.

8. Vodka or wine?
-Plain water please.

9. How often do you cry?
-Countless of time. Especially when I want to go to sleep.

10. Ever had a crush on a teacher?
-Yes, when I was in Form 2. I kinda have a crush with a practical English teacher at school.

11. Can you wire a plug?
-Nope

12. Do you wear socks to bed?
-Sometimes when it was too damn cold.

13. What is currently bugging you?
-My SPM result :(

14. YOUR DREAMS/ASPIRATIONS/GOALS 
-I just want to get married, have my own family, in a small but a vintage modern style house in the quiet and calm place. I want to be a great baker, have my own cute bakery shop. And I want to serve and pay the kindness of my parents with everything that they want as they had raised me up till now.

15. Δ    Four selfies



16. Forget one event in your life which would you choose?
-Forgotting all my friend's face expression when they got their straight A's result as it keep haunting me everynight and becoming my worst nightmare.

17. Think of your oldest friend. If you met them now do you think you would still become friends?
-I hope so. I really miss them.

18.Imagine it is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. WHO do you wish was there with you?
-Azammuddin? Mwehehe

19. Have you ever sang in front of a crowd?
-If it was a Happy Birthday song, then yes.

20. Who was the last person who called you?
-My father.

21. Do you call it fall or autumn?
-Idk

22. Are you an emotional person?
-A very very emotional person. But I can hide it sometimes.

23. It’s 2 in the morning and you get a text message, who is it most likely from?
-UMobile. Hm I wish it was him.

24. How late did you stay up last night and why? 
-Till 2pm because I'm busy sketching and doodling while waiting for him to text.

25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year?
-I already in a relationship with the one I love.

26. Name 5 people who are famous who you find attractive.
-Tony Stark? I don't know his real name actually.
-Nazihah Anuar
-Annatasya (Monkey Disease)
-Izzue Islam
-Sari Yanti

27. What's the most physically painful thing you've ever experienced? 
-I'd my broken arm when I was eighth.

28. tick
Appearance 
 I am shorter than 5′5″.
 I have many scars.
 I tan easily.
 I wish my hair was a different color.
 I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[] I have a tattoo.
 I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[] I’ve had/have braces.
 I’ve been told i’m attractive by a complete stranger.
[] I have more than two piercings.
[] I have/had piercings in places besides my ears.
29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from?
-My Grandmother

30. Does anyone hate you?
-Of course, even if they don't said that but I know.

31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room?
-No

32. Do you like watching scary movies?
-Yes. Eventhough I'm such a coward person.

33. Do you want your tongue pierced?
-NEVER. I love my taste bud dude.

34. Have you ever dyed your hair?
-Yes, but only once.

35. What talent do you wish you’d been born with?
-I wish I could sing well.

36. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to?
-Muhammad Azammuddin. He understand me more than I can understand with myself.

37. Share a song that takes you to a certain memory in the past:
-Tentang Bulan. It reminds me with my Dorm 3.

38. Do you sing in the shower?
-Almost everytime I want to take my bath.

39. Do you ever wish you were someone else?
-Most of the time.

40. What are your biggest insecurities?
-Someone will judge me based on my past.

41. Favorite band?
-Linkin Park

42. Post a haiku based on your life.
-I like to eat,
I like to sleep.
That's me.

43. What color is the paint on your bedroom walls?
-White

44. What was the scariest moment of your life?
-Watched "Conjuring" at the cinema.

45. Submit a photo of you and one of your bestfriends

46. Do you have any “rules” about food?
-No. As long as it halal I will EAT it.

47. What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?
-2174

48. How can I win your heart? 
-Buy me a good food.

49. Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word:heart.
-BREAK

50. People you miss the most and their photos
-Dorm 3 Farahin, Eza, Fiza, Sharmin, Ummu

-Syafie-ians

-Azammuddin




Friday, April 11, 2014

Apa Aku Nak Jadi

Assalamualaikum

Wahh cam acacah gempak gitu tajuk aku. Tapi memang betul pun. Andai lah ada yang bertanya, 'siapa yang dah besar tak tahu nak jadi apa?' pastinya aku angkat tangan dengan penuh bersemangat sambil terlompat-lompat. Bukan apa, eksaited ada geng. Haha tapi serius dho *masuk mood suram balik*. Aku tak tahu apa cita cita aku, meaning aku tak tahu apa nak jadi.

Masa kecik-kecik dulu adalah jugak berangan nak jadi doktor gigi. Dentistry lah kan. Lama jugak aku bercita-cita sebegitu ecewaah. Lepastu masuk Form 4 guwa blur balik. Patu dengar cerita Ikhwan kata nak jadi interior designer, maka aku pun kata kalau dapat satu company dengan dia kan bagus. Berangan je lah lebih. Pastu blur balik. Sampailah dah habis sekolah sampai dah dapat result spm pun. Result takleh sebut banyak kali nanti banjir bhahaha. Bila tengok macam tu, lagi lah bertambah termenungnya aku.

Aku try korek korek dalam hati minda semua tak jumpa apa yang sebenarnya guwa nak jadi. Ayat madah pujangga lebih an aku tahu. Aku admitlah seni tu memang aku minat, tapi setakat doodling tu semua tu bukannya serius just for fun gitteww katako.

Engko nengok je ah apa yang aku pilih ni kat upu


Aku pun tengok semua benda ni macam takde perasaan je. Aku tak tahu lah kenapa. Aku rasa kalau orang yang  bekerjaya nengok aku mesti kata, 'eii budak takda wawasan kesiaannnn' memang guwa carik carik kulit badan dia guna garpu. Kejam pun lantak lah. Aku kene pergi kem motivasi ni rasanya kut. Ye ye je seh. Haihhhh kenapalah 2014 sentiasa kejam dengan aku.


p/s: handphone tk berapa pintar aku retak dan dah arwah. sesiapa yang boleh bayarkan internet guwa kat rumah dengan bagi guwa Iphone 5s or Iphone 6 guwa kahwin sama lu. 

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Assalamualaikum.

Firstly aku nak cakap bersyukur sangat-sangat dah masuk bulan April *tarik tisu hembus hingus* seriously, aku teramat lah sangat lah bersyukur sebab Mac yang ku benci telah tiada. Hm serius dho dah berapa ribu riban kali aku meng fcuk fcuk kan bulan tu disebabkan semua benda teruk yang jadi.

20 mac dah lama lepas. Hari yang menyedihkan. Serius, tak pernah rasa teramat sedih kecewa gila macam hari tu. Bila amek result kat tangan, terus terpandang Ajam kat tengah dewan and yes aku bla lalu pintu tepi lepas lempar sebijik senyum yang tak berapa nak jadi tu. Adegan kejar mengejar berlaku macam cerita kabil kusyi kabil gam bersaksikan ayah Ajam *serius yang tu aku malu* tapi aku tetap dengan ke-dono-an nya sebab dalam otak aku masa tu cuma ada satu benda 'toilet, toilet'. Dah boleh bayangkan apa jadi dalam toilet tu. Haha

Then keluar, terus cover senyum. And aku tetap senyum bila ada yang tanya 'dapat berapa' walaupun aku rasa macam nak bagi sedas dua penumbuk dengan terajang kat diorang. Semua orang lepastu cakap takpe, okay lah tu bla bla bla bla ayat basi yang selalu ada cam citer kat tv1 tv2 tu. Wa tak lut bhai.

Dah berapa hari lepas tu kira okay lah boleh jugak terima kenyataan apa yang jadi semua. Bayangkan lah bila orang tanya, kawan kau satu dorm berapa A? Anak cik dewan makan berapa A? Tu kawan rapat kau dalam kelas yang laki tu berapa A? and tak dilupakan, pakwe kau berapa A? I ken dai youknow camni punya down. Dengan perpisahan sementara selama hampir sebulan, result spm pulak macam ni. Down memang down tapi takkan aku nak bunuh diri pulak wakakaka aku still nak kahwin okay. Haha

Lepas tu amek lah cara sendiri baca blog orang orang dulu yang senasib baru lah ada macam motivasi sikit bila tengok diorang tetap berjaya dapat dekan tiap semester even result spm lagi K.O dari aku. Masa tu ada lah rasa insaf bersyukur. Maybe rezeki aku bukan kat sini. Ada lagi kat tempat lain. Kan? *ayat motivasi utk diri sendiri haha*

Apapun, walaupun aku kekadang ada menyampah orang pujuk *fakta aku bukan suka dipujuk* haha aku tetap nak terima kasih banyak-banyak sebab bagi aku semangat balik. Din, Anep, Danish, Ajam, Parent aku, sesiapa je lah kan terima kasih banyak-banyak. Kita compete lagi nanti eh kat U. Yeahh aku kalahkan korang nanti biar korang melutut merayu kat aku mwahahahaha *jangan tiru ancaman ini*

So, okay itu jelah. Bye.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Aku bukannya yang jiwang, petah dalam bermadah bicara atau bermain kata.

Tapi seteruk aku. Aku ada hati, ada perasaan.

Kau kene faham. Bila sekali aku kata aku sayang, memang aku akan sayang. Jangan kau pertikaikan. Jangan kau mainkan.

Jangan kata aku gila, kalau aku kata aku sanggup tunggu kau.
Jangan kata aku gila, kalau aku kata aku tak mampu lupakan kau.
Jangan kata aku gila, kalau aku kata aku takkan dengan orang lain.
Dan jangan kata aku gila, kalau aku kata aku masih sayangkan kau sampai sekarang.

"Tinggalkan aku." Ayat mudah untuk kau sebut. Ayat susah untuk aku faham dan buat. Sampai sekarang ayat ni aku biarkan tergantung tak dilayan sama sekali.

Aku tak faham. Kau sakitkan hati aku, semta-mata untuk kebaikan aku. Memang aku takkan faham. Dan aku taknak faham.

Sebolehnya aku taknak lepaskan kau. Tapi cara kau cakap, aku terpaksa. Aku pernah kata aku akan ikut semua keputusan kau kan. Walaupun sakit. Sebab aku sayang kau.

Aku cuma harap kalau kita dapat jumpa lagi lain kali, aku cuma nak cakap,

"Hi ex, aku rindu kau."

Monday, March 10, 2014

"Every soul has a past, every soul lives a present, and every soul deserves a future. No judging on one's past, because it might be YOUR future." -Hlovate

Peace be upon you.
It such a long long time since I saw you (if anybody knows me). I'm fine, thank you (skema huh?) Well, I guess what's happening on me lately really do change me. I don't know. But somehow, I'm glad that thing happened to me. Really glad it did. Call me nut, but that's the truth. You know, some people can't accept the fact that they will do have to let go the one they loved, for the sake of goodness. But if the thing good to us, why don't we let it wrapped to our life and slowly thinking about the truth beneath all those thing. It might soon changed your life. One story that really touched my heart till now is this( hoping that was us haha) ,

"A girlfriend gave a challenge to her boyfriend to live a day without her. No communication at all and said if he passed it, she'll love him forever. The boyfriend agreed. He never texted nor called his girlfriend for the whole day without knowing, his girlfriend has only 24 hours left because she was dying because of CANCER. After a day, he excitedly went to this girlfriend, "I did it baby". But tears fell as he saw his girlfriend lying in a coffin with a note, 'You did it baby. Now please do it everyday. I love you.' "

And don't ask me what the relationship between this story with everything I babbling up there cause I don't have any idea at all. Awak, if you reading this, I would like to say that I really miss you, us and everything. Don't worry dear. I'm okay. Don't blame yourself for everything that you made. The wrong choice sometimes take you and us to the right place. Life has many chapters for us. One bad chapter doesn't mean it's the end of the book. I really love you and sadly I can't forget you. But somehow we should move on right? 


"Kita manusia. Hidayah untuk kita tak semestinya kita dapat secara direct. Allah tu Maha Bijaksana. Kadangkala kita akan dapat dari orang lain, semata-mata untuk membantu kita. Allah kan Maha Penyayang?" -unknown

Sunday, March 9, 2014


Don't know what to say. I'm getting weak lately. Didn't hv much time to tweet or do other things. Everything is so complicated. I hv no idea what it was. It's confusing as hell and doing other things are not really helping either. I just.. urgh I don't know. Crying a river also not helping me. I'm a jerk. We all a jerk.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Human



"Human"
I can hold my breath
I can bite my tongue
I can stay awake for days
If that's what you want
Be your number one

I can fake a smile
I can force a laugh
I can dance and play the part 
If that's what you ask
Give you all I am

I can do it
I can do it
I can do it

But I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart 
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I'm only human

I can turn it on
Be a good machine
I can hold the weight of worlds 
If that's what you need
Be your everything

I can do it
I can do it
I'll get through it

But I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I'm only human

I'm only human
I'm only human
Just a little human

I can take so much
'Till I've had enough

Cause I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and i break down
your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I'm only human

Friday, February 7, 2014

Late night

Assalamualaikum

Thanks to Izzudin because of him I've got an idea to make this post. After the sad chat that I've been through a few hours ago, and all the tears that cannot be wiped even with a box of tissues, I tried to get up and be okay *cewah ayat* 

Well, do you ever feel, when a person is far away,and you anxiously count down the days until you'll see them again, marking every single date in a calendar, because you know it doesn't really matter you're separated for, you'll be able to meet them soon. Then, when a person is gone for good, and the only thing you can rely on is the pictures and memories you once shared, and despite those being able to make you smile or laugh, all you really want is that person to come back.

Dear you, I'm just so sad because I really like you; more than I like anyone in a long time. Tonight I got slapped in the face with the reality of you're life that I'll never know. But the saddest thing is you're not willing to share any of your problem to me. It make me feels like, who I am to you? You have no clue how much I cared. How much I do anything to make you smile. How much it took in me just to say goodnight sometimes. How hard i forced myself to believe you'll be okay everyday. I'm not desperate for a relationship, but I do miss the feeling of having that can make me smile and appreciated. 

I'm sorry for being over-thinking in everything. I'm sorry because I can't hardly understand your situation. All I was thinking is you will always be there, everytime I text you, or even call you. When you're not replying one of it, my mind start to think that you probably hate me now. The thought of you working for a good thing never crossed my mind at all. I know you're too busy with your work. So I decided to keep myself busy with things to do, but everytime I paused, I never stopped thinking of you. I'm sorry. I know I need to stop being so damn emotional about everything. I need to stop this.

I love you.


Sunday, January 26, 2014

Rindu

Assalamualaikum

Harini aku kembali ke Bahasa Melayu. Madah ah hari-hari nak speaking naik terkujat lidah aku ni haa. Cukuplah kat tempat kerja je kena speaking tak sanggup den nak sambung kat sini. Okay kembali ke topik asal. Title aku kali ni rindu. Rindu? Haihh sentimental pulak kalini. 


Mungkin betul kata azim. Sekasar mana pun aku layan kawan aku dulu, aku tetap sayang diorang. Sampai sekarang. Tengoklah sekarang. Hidup macam ikan terkulai kat dalam kuali bila masing-masing pergi. Sayu je an takda orang nak kacau, takda orang nak buat lawak blue sesama. Okay terlepas. Sedihlah nak cakap, tengoklah sendiri gambar kat bawah ni.

Last day SPM. Kualiti gambar tak penting. Yang penting masa kita semua bersama.


Ahli dorm 24 masa spm. with ummu, paw, thira, ummi. selama sebulan lebih dengan diorang sumpah tak terkata betapa havocnya lah. Kawan sama-sama bergamble, karok membasuh baju dalam toilet, sama-sama breakfast,lunch,dinner semua complete. tak ada yang kurang.

Ummi panggil benda berbungkus ni ulat beluncas biru. Aku lah si beluncas tu. Time ni tenga gap paper Addmath SPM. SPM OKAY. Mesti pelik kan asal aku berbungkus walhal berapa minit lagi nak masuk dewan jawab paper Addmath. Acah-acah hebad kununnya takyah study. Kepala hangguk kau. Aku tenga senggugut time ni. Terseksa tahu tak. Menangis sebab tak mampu nak study time last minute macam ni. Azam call pujuk semua. Rasa tenanglah sikit. Tapi self esteem masa ni tenga low gila rasa macam aku lah manusia paling tak berguna. Tapi diorang nonstop bagi semangat kat aku. Tu yang buat aku terharu.

Birthday si ketot masa gambar ni di snap. Tu haa si kecik cenonet kat tengah pakai spec ngan tudung pink tu. Ummi lah tu. Seronok sangat. Malam nya ummi kene simbah air sabun dengan Azam, Hidir, Babak. Kesian sampai merah mata. Tapi ada aku kesah. Mwahahaha

Hasil nukilan kami berlapan sebelum meninggalkan asrama. Still banyak lagi. Dari kepala sampai ke hujung katil woo~ Vandalisme woo~ Ada aku kesah woo~

 Ni lah last time aku berjumpa dengan diorang semua. Ni lah last time kitorang sama-sama makan kat Barney's. Ni lah last time dapat bergurau, berlawak dengan diorang. 
Sekarang dah takda lagi.

Sumpah aku cakap aku rindu diorang. Tak pernah sekalipun dalam sehari tak fikir pasal diorang. Macam kat kepala ni ada tayangan flashback masa kita semua kat dalam kelas macam dulu-dulu. Kadang-kadang ketawa bila ingat balik apa yang kita pernah gurau buat lawak sesama dalam kelas. Kalau orang nampak, konfem cakap sewel lah agaknya minah ni tetiba ketawa sensorang tak memasal.
Tapi,  bagi aku tu namanya rindu.
Sampai sekarang rasa kehilangan.



Kita jumpa lagi bulan 3 nanti guyss.


Wednesday, January 22, 2014

I'm done

I'm done losing sleep because of you. I'm done holding back tears at the thought of you. I'm done being depressed over you. I'm just wondering what the h*ll are you thinking. Am I not perfect enough for you? Yes, I know I'm crazy-not-easy-to-handle-person. Appreciate me just for a little. Please.

Sunday, January 5, 2014

School?

Assalamualaikum

Hye. Actually, there's nothing special that make me want to type. But honestly, I do really miss going to school. It ended up so fast and still I can't get rid any of the memories that had been stick on my mind. Just imagine this. One day, you'll be at the last Wednesday night prep time . One day, you'll be reading Yaasin for the last time on Thursday night and Solat Jumaat at the next day for the last time also. One day, you'll be taking your last exam paper and eating your last school lunch. One day, you'll have your last young and wild Saturday night with people you've made million memories with. One day, you'll be closing your locker and walking out of the door for the last time.One day, you'll hardly remember the people you watched grow up. People who watched you grow up and those who knew how much you've changed. They will be some of those people you'll never seen again or hear about. And one day, you'll be packing up your five or two years school life into boxes and hugging your friends goodbye. It ended too soon and you'll miss those memories that you've created there. Just like right now.

I never thought that the real life after SPM will be this tough. I have to find my money on my own. Living the life without the friends I've grown with. And now, I'm trying my best fitting myself to a place I never thought I would be. Without you, or anyone else.

"Real life isn't always going to be perfect or go our way,
but the recurring acknowledgement of what is working in our lives an help us not only to survive
but surmount our difficulties"
-Sarah Ban Breathnach

Friday, January 3, 2014

Late Wishes



"Remember the laughter, the joy, the hard work, and the tears?
And as you reflect on the past year, also think of the new one to come. Because most importantly, this is the time of a new beginning and the celebration of life."

Happy New Year everyone.